My Half Day as Mr. O'Day, Middle School Phys. Ed Teacher

I've always played Apples to Apples with the belief that there were certain "money-cards."  The cards in this category are usually debatable, but in my opinion, a few are not.  One of those is Gym Teachers.  

And that is what I was today. 

At about 9:30am my cell phone rang.  I knew it wasn't Boone because if he called me at 5am, he definitely isn't awake yet.  So it had to be KPS.  A half-day as a middle school gym sub? Sure.  

I arrived at the school and was forewarned.  I told the hall monitor I was the sub for the gym teacher and where should I go?  A nearby schoolboy laughed and said "Today is the worst day to sub for him, Ha Ha." 

Later, as the office attendant was showing me where the gymnasium was, she nonchalantly mentioned that "these kids might get of hand."  And added that I should not be afraid to write them up.  Two warnings in under 10 minutes?  Something was up, and those two knew about it. 

When the bell rang, it was suddenly clear.  As 90 12 and 13 year-olds came bounding into the classroom swearing, chewing gum and throwing trapper keepers, I knew.  It was 90 students versus two teachers, myself one of them.  

Taking attendance was particularly horrendous.  Equipped with a list of 48 names and a pencil, my task was to walk up and down the five rows of "squads" and mark who was absent.  This is when I began to play a little game called "butcher their names until they repeat them loud enough to be audible." I'm sorry, but I just can't understand when you mumble the jumble of letters your parents assigned to you.  It is also particularly difficult when 7th graders are liars and tell me "names" that aren't on the attendance sheet. 

Then things really began to hit the fan.  My ally, Mr. Other Guy, announced that it was Spring Picture Day and anyone who wanted to have their pictures taken could come with me, down to the picture-taking-area (which happened to be right outside the doors). 

It may have seemed simple for me to lead around a few 3rd graders, so I got cocky.  Leading 45+ 7th graders through the hallway was a situation.  I found out quick that these 7th graders were accustomed to chivalry because when I opened the gym door to lead them out they let me hold it until the very last person had sauntered through.  So during the time that I waited for these 45+ kids to filter out the doors and down the hallway, chaos had already broken loose.  

There was yelling, pounding on lockers, hitting, shoving, swearing and general hooliganism the whole way, despite my frequent "Shhhh's" and the more stern "please, be quiet's."  Shockingly, whenever I singled someone out who was being particularly loud, I got responses like "I wasn't doing nothing!" or "Theys talkin' over there!"  

When one student smacked the glass window on a classroom door, I attempted to discipline those involved, yet surprisingly, no one in the general vicinity had done it.  The culprit magically vanished.  Another gleaming moment was when one girl dutifully reported to me that the boy sitting to her right had called me a "hoochie mama," though he contested he hadn't.  Liars, the lot of them. 

Later, when several students drifted out of the hallway-authorized-picture-area and (from what I heard from the hall monitors) started a fight of sorts.  Finally, justice was served!  Those students were written up on some great referral forms that looked like novelty traffic tickets.  The listed offenses like gang activity, lack of motivation and drug delivery.  Also complete with boxes to cite involved parties, locations, and penalties.  With a special section just for subs to circle (that's me!).  

Even the class of 90 8th graders was rude.  One girl looked like she'd been crying for about the entire hour, judging by the redness of her face and eyes.  As a kind-hearted individual, I asked her if she was all right.  Apparently, she was PMS-ing because she rudely replied that she was fine, and shot me the dirtiest look an 8th grade girl can muster.  It was rough.  

All in all, no one got a lot of physical activity today except the 8th graders, who were finally allowed probably 20 minutes of free-time during their hour in Phys. Ed.  The rest of the classes spent the hour sitting on the floor, in rows, waiting for their classmates to stop whistling, talking and messing around and start listening.  That time did not come for them before the bell did, ending the hour.  

It's amazing to me that schools think it's the most productive to have 90 students with two teachers in one gym.  And judging by their behavior, it's probably not.  Every hour at least one student was kicked out of the gym for disruptive behavior, not to mention the numerous whistles and shouts from myself and Mr. Other Guy. 

In conclusion, Mr. DiVito, I hope I wasn't a terrible bitchy middle school gym student. And I hope you were paid more than $45/day.